Pirates and Princess'

Hello!
So, I realize by reading the last entry that...it has been a LONG time since I've been here. So I'll be brief on what has changed:
I do not like Ian anymore. In fact, I haven't even seen him. Mostly because I've graduated. That's right! I wore a really beautiful, intoxicating yellow hawaiin laia with a white robe.
I went to Senior Prom...which was also beautiful. I started to like another guy, and I thought we might be going somewhere, but I realized that I was just deluding myself. And I realize I've been losing my touch-my feelings are becoming way too obvious. Fortunately, I'm still a convincing liar. Not sure if that's a good thing, though.
I plan on going to a university that's in my state for a few years. It's not near home, fortunately, so I at least get to feel the experience of moving out of my house. But it's SO EXPENSIVE! I want to move into one of my Uncle's places. I just...it's crazy how much college costs, and the apartments! And the books and stuff...oh man I don't even want to think about those. I have a job but that doesn't pay for crap! I get more money selling my books than-
THAT'S RIGHT! I FINALLY PUBLISHED ONE OF MY BOOKS! It's a series called: Doppelgangers. Currently its online on Amazon or at another website, or at this local bookstore but I'm getting somewhere. I have this epic plan to go around with a friend sometime and just start posting flyers everywhere. Litterally. Not in a way that it'll distract people but it'll definitely draw attention. They'll be awesome ones too. I'll post some at places like Walmart, Starbucks, then just stores and the mall and then streets and alleyways and at trax stations and brick walls-anywhere and everywhere!
I plan on recording the whole thing too. Kind of like documenting an adventure that I've been planning on having for a long time. :D
Anyways, I'm going to talk about it. I know no one will probably read this but whatever.
Doppelgangers is a story about doppelgangers, obviously. Doppelgangers, if you don't already know, are basically your evil twin. I kind of mixed up their monstrous being though and made them a bit darker, scarier, and made my story fantasy. I'm not going much further. Sorry. If I spilled all the details who knows who would steal the story? Even if it's published.
You should know I'm very paranoid.
Alright, putting all the past and somewhat future aside, I'm going to go into girl mode.
So: I really liked this one guy. I know I already said that, but he didn't even TELL me that he started going out with another girl. I feel so horrible because I was joking with him on text, asking if he wanted to hang out on the weekend, and when he stopped replying I felt that something was up. When I went on facebook and saw that he was no longer single and saw who he was with I was crushed. I felt even worse when I realize I had met the girl and she was really sweet, therefor I couldn't hate her. I mean, granted, I hardly knew her but she seemed so sweet and kind. One friend of mine knew her and said she was a follower of her sister and had no brain and blah blah blah but that still didn't make me feel better because she ended up getting the guy, anyways. And then another friend told me that I can hate her inside anyways. That you don't need to be reasonable when it comes to feelings. And I guess deep down I do dislike her, but I can't HATE her. I mean, she hasn't done it on purpose. I don't think she knew I liked him...and I think she really likes him. I mean, I hope so. And I hope he likes her too. Because if their relationship isn't what it should be I'll be pissed. If you're going to step on me at least do it with both feet.
Yesterday was the forth of july and I went to the park with a few friends to watch the fireworks. A lot of bands performed. The first two were young, hot teenage bands that were surprisingly younger than me. After them though were adults that sang like crap and had really tacky songs and my ears was burning and I was like begging for them to stop but whenever they said they were going to stop they did an effing encore!
ANYWAYS! The second band was apparently well known by my friends, so they took me over to introduce them. I felt very awkward and must have come off shy or rude because I didn't talk much and seemed very distracted. I didn't dress well and I was wearing glasses and I hadn't even taken a shower and they were all so cute so I was kicking myself for being so niave but everytime I do dress up NOTHING HAPPENS! But, just like how anyone would treat their fans, they encouraged us to be close to the stage and yade yade ya. I ended up liking one of the guitarists named Zachary, who goes by Zach or Zachy. And that made me feel even worse. I mean, the guy I used to like...and also had blonde hair....he had great eyes and when we took a group picture (which I looked horrible in by the way) he put his arm around me and had his hand on my waist. And yeah, all the guys I ever had a picture with had done that, but not a stranger. I don't even go to many concerts, so I haven't neccessarily talked to a member in a band. Except for a guy in my weight training class. But he's an exception...sort of. He was also pretty hot, now that I think about it. However, I didn't like his songs that much. You know how some really get to you? How they make you have flashbacks or become your favorites or just tug at emotions? This band I listened to gave me that. My weight training buddy didn't. He had the looks, he had the talent...just I didn't feel the authenticity of it. I didn't feel like he meant it.
My friend was kind of insulted. She liked his music. But I guessed it must sound different when he actually takes time to play it to his class than hearing it on iTunes or at a school assembly.
It's 11:01 and I don't want to stop talking. But what can I say? I only have so much going on my life. Most of it's pretty big. My books...my advertising...my trying to find a way to get a lot of money. I did the math and I get more money selling my books than I do working! But I wonder how does one quit? How do you walk up to a boss and say, "I quit." I mean, I have a reasonable excuse. I don't get paid enough. But my job also sucks A and I'd rather listen to all those horrible bands at the fireworks festival again than continue working but every penny counts. Honestly...what I want to do, is just go to an anime convention. It's like the only event in my entire life that makes me blissfully happy! I could walk for miles by myself, listening to music, or talk to an extremely attractive guy, or drink something good with a friend but none of that compares to how I feel dressed up, dancing at a ball, hanging out with strangers who give off the same vibe as me, a mall full of unique awesomeness...just a whole nother life. I love adventures, and that's exactly what I get when I'm at an anime convention: an adventure. I just feel so...STUPID. People lie. That's agiven. And I know they do it out of love but how do I know they are sincere?
I don't.
Which is lame. Because then I'm always contradicting myself. I think I look good in an outfit or costume and then I check it out later in a photo and I look ridiculous and I wonder if that's what people saw, too. I mean, my eyes don't lie. I see EVERYTHING.
I'm not self conscious...much. It's just who I am.
Garw! This is so lame! Why am I still on the computer! I should be writing, or editing, or talking to friends, or reading, or even watching tv!
I intended to make a website to put my videos on but now I'm not so sure how....bleck.
I'll figure it out. Oh I'll figure it out.
Thanks for letting me ramble, lovely lovely blog place. Who knows when we will meet again.