Bend and Break

"If she bends, then she breaks....She loves you but then she takes it away....She bends and she bows....She's cold, but she melts like snow....She bends, she breaks....She hates you but then she makes a mistake." -She by Louie Says

I keep listening to a sad, slow, long song. She by Louie Says. In a way, it reminds me of myself. I'm always so strong and independant and loud and happy and....oblivious. So oblivious that I don't realize how fragile i am until i'm locked up in my room all alone, choking on tears.
School starts tomorrow, and I'm nervous. I don't like school.
I have lots of friends, and i care about them a lot, but when I think about it...I don't know them very much. I just know their basics.
The one friend I do know, however, isn't even talking to me. A week ago he texted me saying that he would but never has. I have recieved some advice that had said not to contact him cuz it'll seem desperate and needy and a total turn off but he's my best friend. I want to know what's up. If he's busy, let me know. Can't he just quickly send me that? So last night I sent him a Hey. Just that. Nothing big or demanding or anything and....nothing. Nada. Zip.
I've had a lot of potential suitors lately after me, and I've been turning them all down and now look at them. Some have girflriends, some are hanging out with girls they like, posting photos of them kissing each other passionately, affectionately, but not trashily on facebook.
And I'm jealous. I'lll admit it. My best friend? I'd date him. But I can't. and Honestly, I don't think i ever will get the chance. I think he's drifting from me, and it's killing me. Everythign lately is killing me. And it just sucks. I tell people i like walking, and i do, but you know why? It's because I can breathe, think, and most importantly, be alone. That's all I want. To be alone. But if I had a choice to be with someone, I would.
Ex Potentials:
Adam-Sweet senior, didn't work out cuz he moved too fast
Nick- Rich Junior. Also too fast
Jeremy (Cloud)- Sophmore. Too young for me.
Casey-Junior. My first kiss (amazing) but a player.
All in one year.
There are others i wish would work out, but lets be realistic. There's been a guy i just recently met from a friend and he seems perfect (except for the blonde hair but i can't be picky) but he has a girlfriend and she's...nice. or seems like it. I've never met her. But by her comments on facebook, she's awesome.
And I hate that.
I'm in the slumps and its hard to get out. I'm too tired, I'm not strong enough. I guess when you're a teenager it's like this.
In the song I listened to. The part of the chorus that goes, she bends then she breaks.
I just keep bending and bending and it hurts so much that i wouldn't mind breaking. Then I could just rest, you know?
And then the part that "she's cold but she melts like snow"
Am I cold? Pretty much every guy that's taken interest in i've dodged and I can never seem to commit to a relationship. And obviously I'm emotional.
God I hate snow. I want to leave this stupid place. Someplace warm would be nice. I'd like to visit Cali. I'd like to LIVE in Cali.
Someday, someday soon, I'm going to crawl out of my window and run away. Probably for a few hours, but it'll do. I need air. I need........freedom.
I hate this place. I hate these people. And I hate myself.
When will I finally BREAK?